Step 1: Acknowledge the Problem

I was on pinterest today, & found a pin entitled "the important thing about yelling." Intrigued, I clicked on it & launched myself into a whole new world. I read a post from a mom of 2 kids who had been a yeller. She acknowledged yelling at her kids for everything from spilling cereal to running late to fighting with each other, and that she hated herself for it. She would go to bed each night in self loathing, feeling horribly guilty and ashamed that she was THAT mom.

She wrote, "What had become of me that I needed to scream at two precious little people who I loved more than life?"

And I broke down sobbing at the computer. Because that's totally my life right now. 

Up until a few months ago, I always thought that the thing I had going for me was that I was the calm parent in our family. When Jack would flip out, I could almost always be the level headed one. But it turns out that when Jack is MIA as a parent and in the long lost world of "call," the natural man in me rears his ugly head and I become the yeller instead. The one who at best gives disapproving looks and exasperated sighs, and at worst yells until my kids shut down and I feel like a hollow shell of the mother I wanted to be.

Anyway, her blog led me to another super inspirational blog from a mom who made a goal to not yell at her kids for one year. And her blog is fabulous because it's brutally honest. She records how in public she would of course appear put together because she knew other people were watching her & she didn't want to be judged as anything other than a patient & loving mom. She realized how backwards that was and she acknowledges that her children are the MOST important audience & the ones who should really know that she is a patient and loving mother. 

Her blog also gives advice to those who want to change as she has done, and lays out clear guidelines to help you meet your goals. Like 12 Steps to Stop Yelling at Your Kids. It's made me to decide to take her challenge: one year, no yelling. 

The first step is to acknowledge you have a problem. That's what I'm doing now. 

I have a problem. I yell at my kids, and I feel horrible about it afterwards. Enough that it's brought me to tears on my knees in fervent prayer for forgiveness and some kind of help. I don't want to be that mom. I want to be a kind, loving, patient mother. I read a quote from the daughter of President Monson, Ann Monson Dibb, who said, "I am grateful to my mother, thankful for her influence, and pray that I might always be worthy of her love. As I reflect upon the many blessings which I have received as the daughter of an Apostle of the Lord, the one which means the most to me is the gift and blessing of the woman he married, my mother.” I'm not sure Jack will ever be an Apostle or President of the Church, but I want his children to say the same thing about me. And right now...I'm not there. But I will be. The answer to those mournful prayers was on that blog, and I'm going to take advantage of it.

The other ways I am going to acknowledge the problem are by talking to Jack, my kids, and my brother. This sort of lays the groundwork for step 4 which is creating a support network. But I think Jack & the kids are the ones who most need to hear this acknowledgement, and my brother is one who may understand my history and imperfections enough to help me through it.

Forward in Time

This week has been spring break in our home and, honestly, it's been challenging. I've felt a lot of pressure to keep the kids constantly entertained, ushering them from one activity or errand to another until we're all so distracted we are cranky and tired. The alternative, which I tested on Monday, was to take it easy & hang out mostly at home, which resulted in a bored Chetan using up his pent up energy finding ways to torture his sister....which only led to me being tortured as well. I spent most of the day Monday yelling at the kids, putting them in timeout, & just feeling like a horrible mom. Then, to top it off, we watched a session of General Conference in which Rosemary Wixom, counselor in the RS Presidency, spoke about parenting. In it, she spoke about teaching our children the way the Holy Ghost teaches us: in a still, small voice. Doh! Message received. After the kids went to bed, I listened to the talk again & printed out quotes to hang up around the house to remind myself to let my words "reflect the love that Heavenly Father has for his son Jesus Christ and for us" and to remember that the words I say will "sink deep into [their] heart[s]."

It's still been difficult though. Granted, I haven't been yelling as much, but it's not as if their behavior has changed much either. By the end of the day Friday I was just feeling totally drained...and ready for Spring Break to be over. Also I was just feeling disappointed in myself that I'm not naturally a better mother.

This morning I woke up with the kids already in our room playing on my phone, so I couldn't read my scriptures before getting out of bed like I usually like to do. So I came downstairs and got breakfast together and while the kids were distracted with their food, I decided to start reading the scriptures on my phone at the breakfast table. It was interrupted when Chetan, for about the 20th time that morning, chose to say a "potty" word at the table, after being warned it would result in timeout. I sent him up to the top stair, with him groaning and moaning and whining, and returned to my reading. Suddenly, there in Matthew 15 was a scripture blinking in answer to my current concern, "But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart, and they defile the man. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts...These are the things which defile a man..." (Matt 15:18-20)

I called Chetan out of timeout, read him portions of the scripture, and explained that the words we use show us the kinds of thoughts we have in our heart and mind, and if those thoughts and words aren't clean, they can separate us from God and make us unfit to be with Him. I suddenly felt the Spirit strongly as I recalled the words from his baby blessing that he would be a "rock" in our family. I recalled those words for him and tried to impress upon him that meant he would be a powerful example in our family, and that if he could choose to have good thoughts and use good words, that would help his sister to do the same. Tears came to my eyes as I shared this lesson with him and I took a moment to explain I was crying because I could feel the Spirit confirming that what I was saying was true.

He ran off shortly thereafter & he and Malini went upstairs to play together. As I cleaned up our breakfast dishes, swept up the crumbs, and listened to them laughing-then-shouting-then-crying-then-laughing-again while jumping off furniture in their room, the Spirit kept teaching me. At other times during the week, I would have been frustrated that they were jumping around upstairs and that Malini would occasionally cry out, but instead I was pondering more on the scriptures and conference talk I had read. Elder Tad McAllister's talk from the Priesthood session reminded me that my success would not just be in my own obedience or magnification of church callings, but rather more so in my childrens' abilities to do those things. Recalling Chetan's baby blessing reminded me of Malini's, and that Jack felt impressed she would serve a mission.

I suddenly was taken forward in time...just in my thoughts...I don't think it was a vision or anything, but tears sprang to my eyes as I considered that my children were special and choice Spirits of Heavenly Father, more so than I had been considering, especially in light of the last week. Chetan has an amazing work to do in his life, including in our own home, which may impact Malini's decision to serve a mission. I mentally calculated that Chetan would leave on a mission when he is 18, returning just one year before Malini would have an opportunity to do the same. They will have time together and he will have influence over her choices.

I also felt strongly that whatever experiences God has given me in life so far, and whatever woman I am now or may be in the future is all for THEM. Because they are preordained to be greater than I am or ever will be. They've been held in reserve for a time when more is expected of them than will ever be expected of me, and because they have Spirits who are up to the task.

Realizing that changes everything. As I heard them pounding away upstairs, I didn't want to yell or discipline them, I wanted to laugh because someday when they have become amazing people, I can tell funny stories about how they used to drive me crazy, realizing the juxtaposition of who they will be against who they are now will be hilarious. It will be funny someday that a great man like Chetan will be or a valiant daughter of God like Malini will be would have ever jumped off a bed contrary to their mother's warnings, or would ever have done anything to make the other cry. They are going to be amazing people, and knowing that somehow changes how I feel I should treat them now, in order to prepare them for that future.